I need help and I don't know what to do. The level of emotional trauma that I've been dealt in my life has been too much for me to know how to handle and I feel that I'm a burden to everyone around me. I used to have a blog and a youtube page where I posted about a lot of things that I was interested in and things that were happening to me, and I felt a lot safer there because I didn't know the people personally who were connected to me. They were people who were drawn to what I was posting about and I developed a following quickly. Now I feel so inhibited because most of my connections are through facebook where the majority of people are my personal friends and family, and although one would think that would feel safer, it actually feels a lot more daunting because I worry more about how I'll affect everybody and what they'll think of me.
There are a lot of things that have happened to me that a few people know about but most people don't. I'm epileptic. I had seizures for 18 years and I got this crazy idea one day that I was going to cure myself without medication. I started meditating and I had a spiritual awakening that sent so much energy through my body which had so many blocks in it, it almost killed me, but I had tapped into a lot of wisdom. Because I was so sick I couldn't work and I lied to everybody about it because I didn't know how to explain what was happening to me. I lost my home and screwed my credit, and sold all my stuff, but I kept meditating and working on myself psychologically, and a year and a half later I had my last ever seizure. It was a really bad one, I had been date raped the night before when I was sick, and it took me a long time to recover, but after that the seizures were no more.
At that point I had learned a lot about psychology and moving energy. I wanted to start rebuilding my life and working towards things that were important to me, so when my health was strong enough and I got completely off of drugs and alcohol, I moved out of the city to pursue my dream of having a horse again. I moved to the Sunshine Coast and one month after I moved there I was stalked and raped by someone who forced himself into my home and put a knife in my face. I had just met him that night at a party. I somehow managed to function for the next year, but I had emotionally and mentally disassociated. I was still dealing with lingering health issues and it was easier to deny the rape had happened... I seemed in somewhat of a trance state that year, I wasn't myself, I lashed out at a lot of people, I also made a lot of new friends and had creative breakthroughs. I wrote a musical that just came pouring out of me... when I was too emotionally overwhelmed, which was often, I wrote. A year later when I had too much anxiety to leave my home and was crying incessantly, I was guided to some people, native elders, who supported me, and took me to the police to report the rape. A lot of the community turned on me when I did that as the rapist was known as a "chief" and "healer", and so I fled two weeks later without telling anyone other than my closest friends from vancouver, my mom, and my landlord and employer. The amazing part about that time was that in the state of being between homes and jobs, I bought my horse, and I moved with him to the Okanagan where I knew next to no one but had a couple of connections for a home and work.
I continued on with the energy work that I was doing and that's when I started my blog. I channeled, and people flew and traveled from around Canada to meet and observe me, as I had quoted some ancient texts and I was predicting future events through the channeling that were spot on. Things like names and places, but all to do with extra terrestrial intelligence, and I was guided to one man in particular who was doing the same kind of work, but he accused me of being a fraud, and formed a hate group against me. They made websites about me saying I was a satanist and government agent and that I did porn, and they attached photos of me with my home address and where I worked, it was devastating. My emotional state for dealing with the rape and ongoing health challenges was enough already, this was by far the lowest and loneliest time of my life. It was believed by a native elder who was helping me that I was under psychic attack. There were incidents where my heart was nearly stopping and in the hospital doctors were baffled when multiple doses of adrenaline had no affect at bringing my heart rate up. At the time while I was in the hospital when this was happening, the man who was responsible for making the websites and leading the hate group's mother died mysteriously in her sleep.
I was still committed to the energy work and was working with birds of prey. I healed a dying bald eagle in my hands and was guided by spirit to take a tail feather from the eagle and gift it to a man at an indigenous gathering. He used the feather in a ceremony and after that the psychic attacks stopped and I was able to detach from the energy of the hate group, but the incident left a lot of fear in me. I started doing ceremony with the Native people who were connected to the man who had the tail feather, and although they were supportive of me, there was a dynamic there also where I was being looked down upon by a couple of people at those ceremonies, and at one point I was pointed out and verbally assaulted while I cried uncontrollably on the ground in a puddle of my own snot and tears in front of everybody. The build up of emotional turmoil had reached a point of becoming almost unbearable, but I pushed through and continued with the ceremonies and was supported by those who cared for me.
I was not able to be in any kind of romantic relationship for 8 years after the rape. I pushed men away with my emotional imbalances and although I finally did manage to date a couple of people, they weren't the right fit, but I suppose they did help me get stronger in myself.
I've continued to do artwork and have put a lot of time and money into it, but selling my paintings has been difficult in the Okanagan. There's a gallery in New York that I've envisioned visiting for a lot of years, and for my fortieth birthday I decided to start to put effort towards that. I connected with a man who's involved there and he was interested in me romantically, but as has been the norm, my emotional challenges have overtaken everything and it got to the point where he felt a need to become rather cold towards me, going back on most of his words and becoming passive aggressive in his insults towards me, I don't know what to make of anything that he says to me anymore, and although it's been nothing compared to things that I've endured in the past, it's triggered my survival mode and put me in a state of perpetual anxiety when I try to think or focus on my artwork and my trip to New York.
I miss that time when I was expressing myself online with my blog and my youtube channel and I had no inhibitions about what I wrote or who was reading it. I felt more purpose driven and clear in what I was trying to communicate. I know so much about energy healing, all I want is to be able to put that message out there, but then I get stuck on these fears from everything that has happened, and then I wonder, am I a hypocrite, that I'm trying to put a message out there about healing but I can't even get to point of feeling healed enough myself to be able to say it? There are healers and chiefs who support me but who don't want to talk about it to people for fear of being judged for being too closely affiliated with an attractive woman. There's a world renowned Shaman who hugged me and cried and told me he's sorry for the difficult of the energy that I carry. I'm planning an art show in June but most days it seems impossible to stop crying long enough to get any painting done, but I try. I've been getting fevers that seem like a flu but I sometimes wonder if I'm just too emotionally spent. I've been doing guided meditations and sleep hypnosis for hours every day for over a month and although it seems to help in the short term, difficult feelings keep coming back. I've paid for expensive counselling which seems to do the same.
I know so many people have had so many worse things happen than me, I don't want to make any less of that, and I don't want to sound like I'm wallowing and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to find a way out of this hole. I want to be able to ride my horses just because I want to, not because I need to do something to make myself feel better. It seems everything that I do is to try to feel better. I want to feel ok in the first place, like I used to.
I need help, but I don't know what to do. Writing about it does feel better. I learned the power of sharing at a group I attended in Vancouver, but it's so easy to get caught up in the facade of having a perfect life the way so many people do on social media, especially when I want people to feel that I'm there for them in a healing way, I don't like to reveal my weaknesses, but maybe sometimes that is actually the stronger way.